Children and the Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding
After the service, his cousin asked him, 'How many women can a man marry?'
'Sixteen,' the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
'How do you know that?'
'Easy,' the little boy said.
'All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.'
---
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, 'Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up.'
'That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?'
'Well,' said the little boy, 'I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.'
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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, 'And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.'
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
'How do you know what to say?' he asked.
'Why, God tells me.'
'Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?'
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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
'Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?'
---
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car....... His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!'
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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
'The Flight to Egypt,' was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, 'That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?'
'Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!'
---
The Sunday School Teacher asks, 'Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?'
'No sir,' little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook.'
---
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, 'I descend into hell!'
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, 'I descend into hell!' the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
'Hallelujah! Hell is full!'
---
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, 'Grandpa, did God make you?'
'Yes, sweetheart,' he answered, 'God made me a long time ago.'
'Oh,' she paused, 'grandpa, did God make me too?'
'Yes, indeed, honey,' he said, 'God made you just a little while ago.'
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, 'God's getting better at it, isn't he ?'
When Grandma Goes To Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams . I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Redneck Tree Swing
Don't Laugh...You know you are related to these people somehow!
Click here to view.
Softball Humor
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You' re not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Polar Bear Attack - WARNING EXTREMELY GRAPHIC!!!
Warning - graphic images of Polar Bear attack in Churchill, Man. These are
pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill. These pictures were
taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack! Reports
from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full recovery. This
is not for the squeamish....click here to view photos.
Country Funeral
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man
would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with
the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop
for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the
crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, stepped to the side of the
open grave and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing
to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out
my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise
the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never
preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the
lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the
door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to
another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Here are 15 fun things to do while in the store.
1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's cart when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 2 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him or her in a official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in housewares" and see what happens.
5. Put M&M's on layaway.
6. Move "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others that you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding dept.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack, and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
